{"id":3560,"date":"2017-01-01T09:54:09","date_gmt":"2017-01-01T04:24:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.indiauncut.com\/?p=4048"},"modified":"2017-01-01T09:54:09","modified_gmt":"2017-01-01T04:24:09","slug":"narendra-modi-makes-some-new-year-resolutions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/indiauncut.com\/narendra-modi-makes-some-new-year-resolutions\/","title":{"rendered":"Narendra Modi Makes Some New Year Resolutions"},"content":{"rendered":"
This is a guest column<\/a> published today in the Sunday Times of India edit page<\/a>.<\/I><\/p>\n Every December, I like to meet the high and mighty of the world and ask them about their New Year Resolutions. Last year I met Donald Trump. “I’m going to control my foot in 2016,” he told me. “It keeps going into my mouth. It’s like my foot has a mind of its own. What to do?”<\/p>\n “You could try building a wall between your foot and your mouth,” I suggested. “A really yuge wall, like, I know you’ve seen a lot of walls, and this will be the best.”<\/p>\n He rubbed his minuscule hands together, deep in thought, and offered me an orange.<\/p>\n This year, I decided to go closer to home. I dropped in to meet my old friend Narendra Modi. “Wassup, Vallabhai?” I said. It’s an old joke between us.<\/p>\n Modiji gave me a warm hug. “It’s so good to see you after so long,” he said. “I mean, it’s good that it’s been so long since I last saw you. What brings you here?”<\/p>\n “An Uber,” I said. “Listen, I just dropped in to ask what your New Year Resolutions for 2017 are. What new things are you going to do?”<\/p>\n Modiji sat back, and a grim look came over his face. “I have made many resolutions,” he said. “First of all, I need to finish my war against black money. I thought demonetisation would do it, but my own damn IT department did a study that showed that only 6% of black money was kept in the form of cash. Even that was converted from old black money into new black money through new black markets. So phussss.”<\/p>\n “So what are you going to do then?”<\/p>\n “Well, I was told that a lot of black money is kept in the form of gold and real estate. So I will tackle them both. First, I will demonetise gold. I will declare that from now on, gold is aluminium. And boom, in one blow there will be no more gold in the country. Until I declare something else to be gold.”<\/p>\n “Er, this is not how it works,” I said. “You are not God. You can’t just pass a law and change the world like that.”<\/p>\n “You know nothing,” he said. “I am the Badshah of Jumla, and the Emperor of Spin. I am the King of Narrative, and I always win. Did you notice that I just rhymed? That’s what happens when you read Rhyme & Reason<\/a> every week in the Times of India.”<\/p>\n “You can read?”<\/p>\n “No, a babu summarises it for me. Not Bajrangi. Anyway, so after gold, I will tackle real estate. I will demonetise real estate, Mitron, I mean, Amit. All land holdings of more than 100 square feet will no longer be legal. I will kill black money, I’m telling you.”<\/p>\n “No, you won’t, Modiji, you’ll devastate the poor people of this country all over again. How will you win elections like that?”<\/p>\n “I have a plan for that. All this land that will now belong to the government, I will redistribute it among the people of India. I will deposit one acre of land into every Jan Dhan account.”<\/p>\n “Modiji, oh my god, who has been advising you? You can’t deposit land into Jan Dhan bank accounts.”<\/p>\n “Yes, you can. Only, it won’t be actual physical land. It will be digital land. India needs to move beyond real estate into a landless economy. Everyone will be a homeowner.”<\/p>\n “But how will they withdraw this land?”<\/p>\n “We won’t let them withdraw it. Can you imagine the chaos if people start withdrawing land from Jan Dhan accounts? Amit, you also na, what all you say!”<\/p>\n I sighed, and offered him the orange I’d saved up for a year. “It is vegetarian, isn’t it?” he asked. “I mean, it’s not a steak or something?” To be fair it did look kind of weird.<\/p>\n “So what are your resolutions besides killing poor people, I mean, black money? Any plans of exercise, diet etc?”<\/p>\n “I have already started an exercise regime,” he said proudly. “Look!” He pointed outside the window, where three babus in safari suits were doing on-the-spot jogging. “I have delegated my exercising.”<\/p>\n “Er, ok,” I said. “And any plans to diet? You’re so full of yourself, you must surely be overweight.”<\/p>\n “I will go on a Vedic diet that made our ancients extremely healthy.”<\/p>\n “What do you mean, healthy?” I said. “They’re all dead.”<\/p>\n Modiji glared at me. “Amit,” he said, “your humour is terrible. I must save India from the likes of you. I am going to send all Amits to Pakistan.”<\/p>\n He threw the orange at me, and I lost consciousness. When I came to, I was on a flight to Islamabad. Amit Shah sat besides me, squirming in his middle seat. <\/p>\n “What the hell did you just do?” he barked at me. “Why couldn’t your name have been Arun, dammit?”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This is a guest column<\/a> published today in the Sunday Times of India edit page<\/a>.<\/I><\/p>\n Every December, I like to meet the high and mighty of the world and ask them about their New Year Resolutions. Last year I met Donald Trump. “I’m going to control my foot in 2016,” he told me. “It keeps going into my mouth. It’s like my foot has a mind of its own. What to do?”<\/p>\n “You could try building a wall between your foot and your mouth,” I suggested. “A really yuge wall, like, I know you’ve seen a lot of walls, and this will be the best.”<\/p>\n He rubbed his minuscule hands together, deep in thought, and offered me an orange.<\/p>\n This year, I decided to go closer to home. I dropped in to meet my old friend Narendra Modi. “Wassup, Vallabhai?” I said. It’s an old joke between us.<\/p>\n Modiji gave me a warm hug. “It’s so good to see you after so long,” he said. “I mean, it’s good that it’s been so long since I last saw you. What brings you here?”<\/p>\n “An Uber,” I said. “Listen, I just dropped in to ask what your New Year Resolutions for 2017 are. What new things are you going to do?”<\/p>\n Modiji sat back, and a grim look came over his face. “I have made many resolutions,” he said. “First of all, I need to finish my war against black money. I thought demonetisation would do it, but my own damn IT department did a study that showed that only 6% of black money was kept in the form of cash. Even that was converted from old black money into new black money through new black markets. So phussss.”<\/p>\n “So what are you going to do then?”<\/p>\n “Well, I was told that a lot of black money is kept in the form of gold and real estate. So I will tackle them both. First, I will demonetise gold. I will declare that from now on, gold is aluminium. And boom, in one blow there will be no more gold in the country. Until I declare something else to be gold.”<\/p>\n “Er, this is not how it works,” I said. “You are not God. You can’t just pass a law and change the world like that.”<\/p>\n