How to Keep Wild Boars at Bay

The Times of India reports:

In a funny and bizarre turn of events, farmers in Uttarakhand are using Honey Singh’s music to scare away wild boars.

And guess what? It’s actually working! As per a report, farmers have now started playing Honey Singh’s songs on loudspeakers and not just boars even other wild animals have stopped coming to the field. […]

Not only this, farmers have said that they often play bhajans and other Punjabi songs in high volumes and it has the same effect on wild animals as Honey Singh’s music.

That last line gives it away. It’s not Honey Singh’s music in particular that the wild boars are objecting to, but loud music in general. Boars, being more cultured than humans in at least this one aspect, like their peace and quiet.

A further data point to buttress my case: I have never come across a wild boar during a rock concert, or during Ganpati in Mumbai.

Now, if only it was as easy to drive away wild bores.

Sex With The Doors Open

Surely by now you have read all about Anil Thakraney’s interview of Pahlaj Nihalani, the chief of the censor board:

Speaking of Spectre, surely Bond would kiss beautiful women he encounters, he isn’t going to say Namaste to them.

So why didn’t people object to the earlier Bond films? There was not a single kiss shown in Skyfall. That time no one thought of the sanskaari thing? We have passed the kiss! We only asked them to reduce the duration by 20 seconds.

I don’t get this logic. A kiss is a kiss. Ten seconds or one minute.

(Gets angry). This means you want to do sex in your house with your door open. And show to people the way you are doing sex.

Nihalani is a buffoon, but that is not the point. Nor is it the point whether the censor board has been more ‘liberal’ under the previous government or under this one. The point simply is that the censor board should not exist at all. The existence of the board is a violation of free speech. Period. Protesting against or making fun of Nihalani is besides the point. Even if the most cultured and intelligent and pro-free-speech people on the planet headed the censor board, they would be as deserving of my contempt as Nihalani is.

Forget the man; examine the principle.

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And oh, by and by, wtf is ‘do sex’?

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Update: In an otherwise excellent column, Mitali Saran writes: ‘It is time to have an adult at the head of the CBFC.’

No it isn’t. It’s time to do away with the CBFC. Individuals aren’t the problem; systems are.

Plop

The Times of India reports:

The Haryana government took Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s Swacch Bharat campaign to a new height on Tuesday by deciding to recruit only those people for select jobs who don’t defecate in the open.

Advertisements issued by the District Rural Development Agency (DRDA) Kurukshetra in prominent dailies on Tuesday said for the post of block coordinators, preference will be given to candidates “not defecating in the open”.

I can totally imagine this scene:

A young man walks in to interview for the post. The first question he is asked: ‘Do you defecate in the open, young man?’

‘No sir,’ he says.

Then he climbs up on the desk, lowers his trouser and underpants, squats, and PLOP, out it comes. Then he climbs back down.

‘Young man,’ says the interviewer, ‘congratulations. The job is yours!’

Eating Dog, Eating Fox

A BJP worker in Shivamogga has warned the Karnataka chief minister S Siddaramaiah of consequences if he dares to eat beef.

Let him eat beef at Gopi Circle in Shivamogga. If he does so, he will be beheaded. We won’t think twice about that. By making such a statement, the Congress leader has hurt the sentiments of Hindus. We have all grown up drinking cow’s milk.

This is standard-issue macho bigotry. I’m not surprised at the talk. I was more taken, actually, by this marvellous piece of logic of a BJP spokerperson from that area:

If he eats beef, then Congress workers will eat dog, fox and so on to appease him and get the posts of chairmen of boards and corporations.

Wow. Should we call this Noah’s Slippery Slope?

 

The Cure For Cancer

Rediff carries an interview with a BMC corporator, Parminder Bhamra, who is moving a proposal to “make gaumutra (cow urine) compulsory to clean hospitals in Mumbai.”

What is the reason you are moving this proposal to use cow urine in hospitals?

I feel not only hospitals, but gaumutra must be used everywhere. Diseases like cancer can be cured by gaumutra, so why not use it? You see, gaumutra kills all bacteria.

Do you want phenyl to be replaced with gaumutra?

I am saying we should respect sentiments.

What does your proposal in the Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation say?

While phenyl is made of chemicals, this (gaumutra) is Ayurvedic, so it must be used.

You must note one thing here: this guy is from the Congress party, not from the BJP or a lunatic fringe outfit.

Will Congress corporators support you?

One hundred percent. Do you know the Congress party symbol was once the Cow and Calf? Other parties have captured our symbol. Originally it was our symbol.

Has the BJP then hijacked the cow from your party?

The BJP’s job is to hijack other people’s ideas. They don’t have their own brains. They only take other people’s ideas and move ahead. They have taken all the ideas of the Congress and some of the Janata Dal and moved ahead.

So you see, there isn’t just a party or a cultural organisation or a handful of fringe groups which believe in this whacko stuff. No, there is a significant constituency out there which thinks like this, and it is perceived to be so large that other political parties are also catering to it now. But is that perception correct? Is there any data on what people believe in this country? Does this man’s support for gaumutra really help his electoral prospects? Who’s got the numbers on all this?

One thing I can tell you for sure is that gaumutra isn’t ever going to cure cancer. Not the literal one; and not the cancer in our society either.

Cold Storage Unit

The Times of India reports:

It took the judiciary 24 years to declare that an air conditioner makes a room cool and does not turn it into a cold storage.

Read the full story. I don’t know what to be more outraged at: that our legal system took 24 years to rule that an AC does not turn a room into a cold storage unit; or at the kind of absurd rent seeking and/or extortion that goes on in this country. Both are actually so commonplace that I should save my outrage for something better, such as the unusual October humidity in Mumbai. I spend most of my day in a cold-storage unit, but still…

The Fine Art of Being Besides the Point

Arun Shourie says that the current government is “Congress plus a cow.” The BJP responds by saying that Shourie is no longer a member of the BJP because apparently his membership expired and he forgot to renew it.

That’s the best you can come up with, BJP?

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Aside: I think if Rahul Gandhi joined the BJP, the average IQ in the party might actually go up. Narendra Modi has an HR problem, not a media problem.

Excessive Coverage

WTF news of the day:

Maharashtra Rural Development minister Pankaja Munde today opined that media should not give “excessive” coverage to crime against women as it instills “energy” and “pleasure” among people with a criminal mindset to try “something new.”

Hmm. I have three things to say:

One: Munde is saying that she wants the media to only report good news because bad news, as per her reasoning here, perpetuates bad actions. This is a convenient position to take when her government is in power. Will she hold the same view when she is in the opposition? I hope someone asks her when that time does come.

Two: I wonder what is the source of her reasoning. What is the proof that the coverage of crimes inspires people to actually commit crimes? What is the study, where is the data? And if there is none, is her wisdom gleaned from years of observation? Who does she hang out with? From a sociological point of view, this is all most fascinating.

Three: There are news outlets that still use the word ‘opined.’ This, to me, is the real scandal in this report.