India Uncut - published by Amit Varma

Right, I’m ill, incapacitated, out of action, so until I’m healthy again and can blog normally, here’s another priceless YouTube Video, from Bulgarian Idol.

(Link via email from Vinjk.)

Update: And here she is again. There’s even a Ken Lee online community. I love YouTube!

Oh, and here’s Mariah Carey’s gracious reaction.

Posted at 11:38 PM by Amit Varma in Arts and entertainment

How Tits Respond To Warming

I am henceforth going to take great interest in the environment.

(Link via separate emails from Ken and Ulrik.)

Posted at 5:17 PM by Amit Varma in Miscellaneous

Subtitles

I love this:

(Link via email from Vinjk.)

Posted at 5:11 PM by Amit Varma in Media | Miscellaneous

I won’t be blogging any more for most of today: my sinus has exploded, my throat has imploded, and there’s an elephant on my head. My laptop screen is swimming in front of me, and the only person who gives me TLC and treats me like a baby is half a continent away till Monday. So you’ll just have to manage without India Uncut updates for a while.

Note: Also, allow me to inform you that none of my photographs look like me. None at all. It’s most inexplicable.

Posted at 9:19 AM by Amit Varma in Personal

Saris For Votes

Oh Dog, here comes another punny headline:

Sari state of K’taka polls

And what causes the sari state? Saris do, that’s what.

Hemashree (24), the youngest contestant in the fray, is banking on her appeal as the host of a TV show that gives away saris to women.

I actually don’t find this deplorable at all. It is a given that voters will be bribed in elections, in different ways. How much I object to politicians depends partly on how much taxpayers’ money (my money) they offer as bribe. (Free TVs, saris, make-work employment schemes etc.) If this woman is cashing in on popularity that she has earned by giving away saris bought with private money, what’s wrong with that? It is at least, odd as it sounds, an honest form of corruption.

(Link via email from Abhishek.)

Posted at 9:05 AM by Amit Varma in India | News | Politics

08 May, 2008

A Conversation With God

It is redundant to mention WTFness when one speaks of Bejan Daruwalla. Here’s a gem:

One night during my moment of revelations with God, I learnt that ‘devi maa’ will conquer the world through her splendid glory. As I was writing my conversation with God and I wrote Ganeshji will support this year through its turbulent times. Next morning to my surprise the letters changed and it was the Goddess in its place.

If you said something like this in any context besides religion, your loved ones would be calling a psychiatrist. But somehow religion makes it all okay.

And hey, remember Pratibha Patil?

Posted at 5:54 PM by Amit Varma in Old memes | Astrology etc | WTF

The IPL reveals India’s Bench Strength

I begin a fortnightly column on cricket today for NDTV Convergence called Over the Wicket. Here’s the first installment: The IPL reveals India’s bench strength.

Related pieces:

Celebrating Twenty20 Cricket (April 20, 2008)
Opportunity, choice and the IPL (March 13, 2008)
There’s Nothing Wrong In Being ‘Commercial’ (Feb 24, 2008)
The Twenty20 Age Begins (Aug 8, 2007)

Posted at 5:21 PM by Amit Varma in Essays and Op-Eds | Sport

The WTF Tie of the Year

The only good thing about the tie below is that it deflects attention from that WTF shirt. My sensibilities are furiously upset, and I demand that Salman Khan be arrested.

(Image courtesy Rediff.)

Posted at 1:47 PM by Amit Varma in Arts and entertainment | WTF

Josef Fritzl Wants Brownie Points

Oh man, this is surely the WTF headline of this generation:

Incestuous dad wants credit for not killing children

Just read that story, it’s amazing. The incestuous dad in question is Josef Fritzl, about whom I’d written here. I hope they shove him in jail for the rest of his life and make sure he’s buggered 48 times a day by a posse of trained gorillas, who then get extra bananas for good behaviour because they didn’t kill him. Justice.

(Link via email from Vinjk.)

Posted at 10:06 AM by Amit Varma in News | WTF

The Dayavan Kiss and the Censor Board Lady

The Bollywood revelation of the day comes from Feroz Khan:

When the censor board lady objected to the two-minute kiss in Dayavan I asked her, ‘Haven’t you experienced this or else your husband is not a romantic man, ignoring a beautiful lady like you?’

Charming. (I wish he’d tried that line for a full-on sex scene.) I can imagine the censor board lady, presumably a 55-year-old housewife, going home and confronting her husband.

Censor board lady: You haven’t kissed me in 20 years now!

Husband: Eh? Where did that come from? It’s time for my tea.

Lady: You are not a romantic man!

Husband: Eh? Where did that come from? Can you repair the tear in my banyan please?

Lady: I am a beautiful lady and you are ignoring me!

Husband: Eh? Where did that come from? Didn’t I buy you a saree just three years ago?

Lady: That was three years ago.

Husband: Okay, I’ll buy you another saree then. And if you really want a kiss… [gets up to kiss]

Lady: Ugh. Coming to think of it, saree will do. Let’s go to Kala Niketan.

Posted at 9:39 AM by Amit Varma in Arts and entertainment | Dialogue

07 May, 2008

Full Timepass in Parliament

You don’t need to elect film stars to parliament to get full entertainment. CNN-IBN reports:

The much-delayed Bill providing 33 per cent reservation for women in legislatures was introduced in Rajya Sabha amid high drama and protests by Samajwadi Party (SP) members on Tuesday.

Law Minister H R Bhardwaj introduced the controversial Bill in the midst of Samajwadi Party members trying to snatch its copies from the hands of the Minister. But the Congress MPs formed a human chain around Bhardwaj as he introduced the Bill by a voice vote.

To protest against the Bill, SP members also reportedly threw papers at the Congress MPs. [...]

An agitated SP MP Abu Azmi said, “If given a chance I would have torn the Bill.”

However, Congress members intervened and Women and Child Development Minister Renuka Chaudhary repulsed SP’s attempts by pushing Azmi away.

I was on NDTV’s show We the People once with Renuka Chaudhary as a fellow guest—we fought over the women’s reservation bill among other things—and I can attest to how formidable she is. Indeed, you put her and The Great Khali in a ring and she will wipe the floor with that bugger and have him curling up in a foetal position at the end of it and asking for Mummy. Still, parliament is not an akhada, and if we pay Rs 26,000 per minute for its proceedings, you figure out what this entertainment costs us, and whether it’s worth it.

(Link via email from Vinjk.)

Update: The Telegraph’s report on the subject has this priceless paragraph:

“Had I pushed him, there would have been byelections,” minister Renuka Chowdhury, more substantial than Kamal Akhtar, her adversary from the Samajwadi Party, later joked outside Parliament after she and some fellow women members had fought off a brawny bid to stop the women’s reservation bill from being tabled today.

Note to the reporter: are you sure she was joking?

(Link via email from Rahul Gaur.)

Posted at 12:44 PM by Amit Varma in India | News | Politics

06 May, 2008

Dear Ravi Shastri

Have you ever seen a tracer bullet? Do you even know what a tracer bullet is?

Regards

Amit Varma

More open letters here. And earlier...

Posted at 9:14 PM by Amit Varma in Letters | Media | Sport

Kewl is Not Cool

Check out this delightfully spirited rant by Mudra Mehta about the language habits of the people around her. I’m sure her contemporaries—the child is 19—find her demanding, but I don’t think she is demanding enough. She tolerates ellipses, doesn’t mind sloppy English in “IM/SMS” and writes “accord it the respect it deserves” instead of “give it the respect it deserves”. But minor quibbles aside, her points are all good, and I like the feisty tone.

More from the experts:

VS Naipaul’s Advice To Writers
Eight Rules For Writing Fiction—Kurt Vonnegut
Elmore Leonard’s Advice For Writers

Posted at 3:19 PM by Amit Varma in Arts and entertainment | Miscellaneous

Vadapavs For the Marathi Manoos

Okay, this is not satire. PTI reports:

Hot vadapavs served in corporate style with a ‘Jai Maharashtra’ greeting from an assured Maharashtrian vendor - Shiv Sena will now take the popular snack to the Marathi Manoos their way.

Announcing a state-wide network of Maharashtra Vadapav Vikreta Sena, the party mouthpiece Saamna said on Tuesday that the Shiv Sena sponsored association of vendors would be selling the popular spicy preparation comprising bread and potatoes at various stalls in hygienic conditions matching McDonalds and international pizza outlets.

What a sentence! I’m not sure a business started by a political party can work, but I’m a huge fan of “the popular spicy preparation comprising bread and potatoes,” and wish them all the best. What’s more, I demand that the vadapav be served on pages of Saamna, so that the Maharashtrian experience is complete. Hokay?

(Link via email from Vinjk.)

Posted at 3:09 PM by Amit Varma in India | News | Politics

“A Polygamous Retreat With Gong Li and Scarlett Johansson”

The Fake Steve Jobs tells us what happened when Jerry Yang phoned him:

So I cut him off, and I’m like, Jerry, hold on. Hold on. Stop. Listen to me. Jerry, you know what? It’s been great knowing you. Really it has. And I think you’re going to make a fantastic member of the Ex-Founders Club, alongside Woz and Paul Allen. I’m sure you’ll find ways to keep busy. Maybe you can do some creative investments. Build an electric car. Or a commercial spacecraft. Open a restaurant in Napa. Take up high-altitude ballooning.

He’s like, Steve, I don’t want to go ballooning, I want to keep running Yahoo. I’m like, Dude, I want to turn my house into a polygamous retreat with Gong Li and Scarlett Johansson as my new wives, but that wish ain’t gonna come true. And neither is yours. Sorry.

He was crying again when I hung up.

This is not a fair battle. Where’s the Fake Jerry Yang?

(Link via email from Mohit.)

Posted at 10:13 AM by Amit Varma in Miscellaneous

05 May, 2008

Cans are American

Inspired by my post, Raj Thackeray Owns Maharashtra (and Amar Singh is a Frog), reader Ullas Marar conjures up a Saamna editorial by Bal Thackeray:

The Marathi manoos knows who will safeguard their interests. Raj Thackeray is a fraud. At a time when Shiv Sainiks are working their socks off to instill Marathi values in people, Raj blatantly patronizes unhealthy western influences like ‘throwing cans’. He has joined hands with the bar girls’ union to promote cans and lure more Marathi manoos to vices like drinking. No Shiv Sainik will ever throw cans. We take pride in our culture. Throw eggs, tomatoes (no puree), chappals (only Kolhapuri), but no cans. Cans are American. This is my rallying call to all Sainiks. Come forward and empty every single can you can lay hands on, so that Raj and his goons don’t corrupt our traditions. Jai Maharashtra!

- Bal Thackeray (Saamna)

Ullas concludes his email: “After this inspiring editorial, Shiv Sainiks were seen heading to the nearest bar to ‘empty’ as many cans as they can.”

Maybe Raj was inspired by Bono...

Posted at 6:32 PM by Amit Varma in India | Politics

Much Ado About Nothing

The unduly excited punctuation of the day comes from Hindustan Times:

Amy Winehouse cheats on hubby again!

I haven’t been following Winehouse’s personal life too closely, but if she cheated on her husband once, as the above headline implies, then why the exclamation mark at the end? (Unless, of course, the sub-editor who wrote that headline is the chappie who got lucky, and the exclamation is also a proclamation.)

Anyway, here’s a blast from the past: An image of Billie Holiday.

Posted at 4:25 PM by Amit Varma in Arts and entertainment | WTF

A Man of Conscience

I love this cartoon from The New Yorker:

Posted at 11:45 AM by Amit Varma in Miscellaneous

Shobhaa De’s Dream For India

The WTF quote of the day comes from Shobhaa De during a Q&A with Rediff:

Rediff: How do you want the world to look at India?

Ms De: If you had asked me this question 10 years ago, I would have said an enchantress. Now, I would say a cerebral courtesan.

What could this possibly mean? Does she, perhaps, want Ratan Tata to learn belly-dancing?

Posted at 11:36 AM by Amit Varma in India | News | WTF

04 May, 2008

“Too Much Politics”

The following exchange, from an Indian Express Q&A session with Aslam Sher Khan and MK Kaushik, explains what is wrong with Indian hockey:

Deepak Narayanan: If there is a unanimous view that Mr Gill must go, why is it not possible for everyone to come together and fight an election and take control of the IHF?

Aslam Sher Khan: When Sanjay Gandhi was in politics, someone asked him why he didn’t go into sports. He replied, ‘too much politics’. That says everything. To win the IHF elections cost around Rs 1 crore. We can come together but we cannot afford to buy votes.

With that kind of money required to get to power, is it not natural that the winners then look for ways to recoup their investment? Indeed, would it not be surprising if that was not the case?

Posted at 3:50 PM by Amit Varma in India | Politics | Sport

Laws Against Victimless Crimes Should Be Scrapped

This piece of mine was published in today’s edition of Mail Today.

DC Madam is dead.

Three days ago, Deborah Jeane Palfrey’s body was found in a shed outside her mother’s home in Tarpon Springs, one of Florida’s top tourist destinations. Palfrey had earlier been convicted of running a “high-priced call girl ring”. She was awaiting sentencing. She did not want to go to jail. A nylon rope was handy.

It’s easy to imagine the emotions that must have run through Palfrey’s mind in her final moments: despair, fear, loneliness. It would be ironic if remorse was one of them. For Palfrey hadn’t harmed anyone. The tragedy of her case is that she was the victim.

The purpose of laws, I think you’d agree, is to protect the rights of individuals, and to punish those who infringe them. Every law that exists should serve these ends. But there is a category of laws, not just in the US but in India and everywhere else, that punish what are called “victimless crimes.” They are used to prosecute people who have harmed no one. They come about because of the universal human tendency to impose our preferences on others. And there is nothing we try to impose as much as our morality.

Raj Thackeray Owns Maharashtra (and Amar Singh is a Frog)

Raj Thackeray has a problem with people from Bihar and UP coming to Mumbai. And he uses the WTF analogy of the day to make his argument:

People tell me that any one can live anywhere according to our Constitution, but even in our own housing society, we disallow children from other societies. Aren’t these children also Indians? Then if I ask people from leaving my Maharashtra society, then what have I done wrong?

A housing society, of course, is private property, and its owners have the right to set whatever rules they want. So by Thackeray’s analogy, Maharashtra is his private property. Well, well, well…

And wait, there’s more. In a quote that takes WTFness to a new level, Thackeray goes on to say:

Amar Singh is a frog. He shoots his mouth off. My activists were accused of throwing bottles on Bachchan’s bungalow. If they have to throw something, they will throw cans, not bottles.

The first person to tell me why gets one year’s free subscription to India Uncut. Thank you.

PS: Rediff quotes Thackeray as saying that his men would have thrown “not a single bottle but a whole crate” if they were so inclined. I suppose he’s confused by all the options open to him. What to throw?

Posted at 11:38 AM by Amit Varma in India | News | Politics | WTF

03 May, 2008

Mallika Sherawat Causes Mental Agony

What a headline:

Is Mallika Sherawat’s dress too revealing?

Apparently some politicians in Chennai are upset that Sherawat, by wearing allegedly revealing clothes at a function, caused “mental agony to the people of Tamil Nadu.” The report is unclear on whether this was caused by her wearing too much clothing or too little, and I can only hope that the mental agony gave way to some kind of pleasurable physical relief.

But really, look at this picture from the event. Sherawat looks more ‘ugh’ than ‘mmm’, and I find the other chica with her much more attractive, with her pretty smile, dignified posture, well-tailored sleeveless kurta and the hint of a diaphanous churidar. Her name is Asin Thottumkal, and her website reveals that her “attitude to charity” is summed up by the following words: “What is done by the right hand is not to be known even by the left hand.”

Is there a lesson there for the people protesting Sherawat?

PS: Don’t miss the comments underneath the Rediff story.

Posted at 8:05 AM by Amit Varma in Freedom | India | News | WTF

The Humpacious Seal

This is surely the headline of the day:

‘Sex pest’ seal attacks penguin

There’s apparently even a video of the incident, which I’m sure must qualify as porn for some species or the other. Damn these biological imperatives. How much better life would be if we were programmed to just cuddle. No?

(Link via email from Anand Krishnamoorthi.)

Posted at 7:06 AM by Amit Varma in Miscellaneous | Small thoughts

Rigour to the Discourse in the Fabric

Sambit Bal, once my boss at Cricinfo and one of the best men I know, is a cricket writer I admire for his clear thinking and lucid writing. That’s why it hurts when he comes up with a sentence as monstrous as the one below:

Sport runs in Kolkata’s veins; it is ingrained in the socio-cultural fabric of the city, and though fans here can often be irrational, there is also a discernible intellectual rigour to the public discourse on cricket.

I can forgive the cliché at the start of the sentence, but “socio-cultural fabric of the city”? “Public discourse on cricket?” “Discernible intellectual rigour?” Ouch!

Pedantic aside: The ‘though’ makes the ‘also’ redundant.

Posted at 6:47 AM by Amit Varma in Journalism | Media | Sport | WTF

The Barbaric Yawp

Peggy Noonan explains why she is not upset by the utterances of Jeremiah Wright. Much wisdom in that piece…

(Link via email from Abhishek Nair.)

Posted at 6:05 AM by Amit Varma in Politics

The Bastiat Prize for Journalism 2008…

... is now open for entries.

Yes, I know, they picked an unworthy winner last year, but it’s still a hell of a prize, and I enjoy reading their shortlisted writers every year. Past winners can’t take part for three years after their win, so I’m not in the hunt this year, which is a bummer because I could have sent much better entries this time. (I’d have picked three out of these six pieces: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.) But if you fit the participation criteria, do enter, and if you know someone who could win, let them know.

To repeat what the prize is about:

The prize was developed to encourage and reward writers whose published works promote the institutions of a free society: limited government, rule of law brokered by an independent judiciary, protection of private property, free markets, free speech, and sound science.

The prize fund amounts to US$15,000—the first prize was worth US$10,000 last year, which has been quite handy for an otherwise impoverished writer. The heavyweight contenders this year, as always, will probably be American, but the Indians I’d put my money on are Salil Tripathi and Bloomberg’s Andy Mukherjee. Enter, boys!

Posted at 5:08 AM by Amit Varma in Journalism | Media | Personal

02 May, 2008

At Rs 26,000 a Minute…

... ‘Torture Hour’ costs Rs 15.6 lakhs.

That’s your money. And mine.

Posted at 6:16 AM by Amit Varma in India | News | Old memes | Taxes | Politics

Don Quixote vs Buffy the Vampire Slayer

That’s Obama vs Clinton, according to Gail Collins.

I’d amend it slightly—in this race, Buffy is a vampire.

In other news, Joe Trippi says that John Edwards should have stayed in the race. The super delegates would then have crawled into a foetal position and bawled, no?

Posted at 6:00 AM by Amit Varma in Politics